Gaydar for Dummies (Part 2)

Of course, for those of you who approach these things scientifically, I would refer you to OkCupid's How's Your Gaydar?

But for those of you who prefer context, there's "Straight or Gay?" from proceed at your own risk.

Here's my latest set of flashcards.

I Have a Clay Aiken Tattoo: Am I Gay?

Yes. But that's the least of your problems.

Kenny Chesney & Peyton Manning: You Know, Buddies

.....And we don't care what Renee Zellweger says.

Jared Leto: Aroused, But Not Gay

"I like to be aroused when I'm around men like [30 Seconds to Mars's bandmates] Tomo and Matt. There's something inspiring about that. They are my muses, both of them together." But he's saving his precious bodily fluids for the likes of Corina Taylor, star of such classic films like 1 Dick 2 Chicks Part 2.

Nick Lachey: Not Gay!

Of course, we could see how living with Jessica might turn anybody gay, but apparently there's no truth to the rumors that he's moving in with USC quarterback Matt Leinart.

Ben Affleck & Josh Hartnett: Not Gay; Actors!



Towleroad is featuring some outtakes from Pearl Harbor of Hartnett and Affleck, you know, acting. Kind of like the time Affleck rested his balls on Kevin Smith's neck; you know, for fun. Just like the stuff he did on the set of Surviving Christmas. "OK, they were doing an insert shot of a briefcase or something, and Ben just decided to put his 'stuff' on the briefcase. He would always do things like that: mooning, sticking his tongue in the director's ear. He's very goofy. I just admire him." If Christina Applegate didn't think it was gay, that's good enough for us.

Orlando Bloom & Viggo Mortensen: Actors!


Elijah Wood: Does This Look Gay To You?

"I was actually at a film festival once ... and this fan came up with a gift ... I open the gift in front of all these people that I'm talking to and it happens to be a photo from one of these websites of me and DOMINIC MONAGHAN making sweet love. If you didn't know any better, it kinda looks real. These people have a lot of time on their hands and my hat's off (to them) because it's very good work."

Val Kilmer & Robert Downey Jr: Acting!

From the opening of their new film, Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang, at Deauville. Kilmer plays a gay PI. Oh, and forget whatever you thought you knew about Downey; he's married!


Tom Cruise: The Evidence Continues to Mount

We thought this picture circulating a few weeks ago provided the best evidence to date of Cruise's sexual orientation. I mean, a gay man dressed as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz ..... well, it would be like grinding up tossed-off cow parts and feeding them to old Bossie. But then the story broke about how Tom had even outdone Downey and banged up his equally het s.o. before they had even gotten hitched. Hubba hubba. Yeah, we heard all the rumors of an immaculate conception and all those turkey baster stories, about Holmes being brainwashed ..... we even heard snide remarks by some of Cruise's colleagues in Hollywood, such as those from former gay male porn star Simon Rex. And yes, the media was incredulous. But we just had to go along with Holmes' aunt, who claims that Cruise actually put his whowho-dilly in Holmes' Cha-Cha. Just like we believe this story from the UK's Daily Record:

"I really would have preferred being a brain surgeon or a research scientist in this life." Cruise, 43, told how he has known and loved his latest fiancee, Dawson's Creek star Katie Holmes, "many times in many lives before". He said: "When I was languishing in prison before being sent to exile, she used to send me notes hidden inthe collar of her pug dog. She's my eternal soulmate."

Hayden Christensen: Doing Things Straight Guys Do

Like hanging out at the Playboy Mansion and letting some female hump him. Hubba hubba, Hayden.

Harry Potter & Ron Weasley: Doing the Nasty?

Is Hermione simply their unwitting beard? So says the Reverend Graham Taylor. And he certainly has the backing of Truth for Youth, a project of the Todd Ministries, which has been endorsed by "Dr. Billy Graham, Bishop T.D. Jakes, Pastor Rod Parsley, Dr. Jerry Falwell, Dr. Bill Bright, Pat Boone, Art Linkletter, Actor Dean Jones and many other prominent leaders." (Isn't Art Linkletter dead already?) Their mission: smuggle Bibles legally into American schools! (smuggle legally?) Equallty opposed to Harry and his swishy ways are John Hagee. And the Pope.

Mashiro Fukuyama: Not Gay; Japanese!

"Born in Kumamoto, Japan, now lives and works in Amsterdam and Japan. Fukuyama works as sculptor, producing contemporary and ceremonial Samurai suits, inspired by the ancient culture of the Samurai and contemporary game-culture. His creations are made with moulded plastics, finished with leather, fur, precious stones and precious metals. In addition to the presenting these suits as objects, Fukyama wears his creations during performances."

Pimping for Art

Wow! This picture made us feel so old. We can remember when a docent's duties were more ..... subtle.

Finally: Carrot Top

Please. God. Dear Sweet Jesus. No.

There you have it. Straight, straight, straight, straight. Except for those museum guys, and the guy with the Aiken tattoo. Oh, and Harry Potter. Hope this helps.