Happy Valentine's Day!

I am so far behind I don't even know where to begin. Since it's St. Valentine's Day Eve, I guess we can start with sex.

Not sure where this turned up, but it certainly makes great holiday reading. I mean, who among us hasn't availed ourselves of public restrooms for sex, for those special moments when we simply couldn't wait until we got to the alley, or the car, or that bush over there ..... My favorite: "Paradise Rock Club on comm ave [in Boston] - the Handicap bathroom is so renowned for this the staff refers to it as handicapping as in 'did you handicap him?'"

Language Log delved into the origin of the Pompatus of Love back in January — that's how far behind I am. According to Vernon Green, who wrote the song from which the phrase comes, the word is puppetuse, referring to a secret paper doll fantasy figure, and possibly a mashup of puppet and prostitute (or perhaps, pulchritude?) Of course, pompatus is a real word, meaning to act with pomp and splendor, which in context will also work. Language Log also cites an entry in The Catalog of Cool, written by Richard Blackburn. Blackburn is one of my great heroes, having directed the movies Eating Raoul, all about yuppie cannibals, and Lemora, the Lady Dracula, about a female vampire with a penchant for very young girls. Lemora was shot entirely on location in North Carolina, for something like a buck fifty. The movie was shown every few years on one of New York's independent TV stations; I once suggested to the Thalia management that they program it, but they looked at me like I was crazy. (And they would show anything.) I seem to recall though a tremendous battle scene, set in a swamp, between Lemora and her minions and the congregation of a local Baptist Church. Lemora converts them all to vampirism, and everyone lives happily ever after — forever. Anyway, small world, the Internet.


Speaking of our love for little girls, and aren't the children are our future, folks? ..... low culture seems to make a strong case that the Jackson trial is being covered by none other than Henry Darger, dead now since 1973. (Not sure when it's coming out, but the folks who gave us Last Samurai and Ya-Ya Sisterhood are hard at work on a Darger biopic. Should give all those Veggie Tales a run for their money.)

Hey! New reality show in Germany! Sperm Race! Twelve men will compete against each other to see which one of them has the 'fastest' sperm. The sperm will then be frozen and sent to the company's studio in Cologne, where the sperm will 'race' towards an egg - lured by a chemical that encourages them across the finishing line. Three doctors, including a gynaecologist, will be on hand to make sure the sperm behave correctly, while cameras will record it all. Are we sure this wasn't already done for one of those Real World vs. Road Rules contests?

I haven't the slightest idea what this Czechoslovakian site is selling — hardware? technical support? mail-order brides? — my guess, in 50 years or less, people will look back and wonder what about sex interested human beings in the first place. [On a possibly related note: Steven, that guy from the Dell ads, is currently starring Off-Broadway in The Joy of Gay Sex.]

A List appears to be an outdated list of totally unsubstantiated rumors about the sex lives of celebrities. (Actually, if you go the site and read some of the entries, you'll see that most sources are angry, bitter waitstaff — note to self: increase tips immediately!) Some of my faves: Raymond Burr (liked Fijian boys...linked with Richard Chamberlain); Good Charlotte (bisexual brothers who may be dabbling in each other); Donny Osmond (has had several liposuction procedures...aggressive bottom...likes them young, hung, and blond); Ben Affleck (tranny chaser); Alyson Hannigan (into three-ways); Ethan Hawke (hygienically challenged...cokehead...bad tipper...told friends and strangers, in excruciating detail, about how Uma Thurman’s parts changed after childbirth); Enrique Igelsias (linked with Christina Aguilera, Whitney Houston, Anna Kournikova, and Justin Timberlake); Garrison Keillor (rumored to enjoy being dominated — by professionals); Val Kilmer (mooches food off of other people's plates); David Lynch (alien); Ed Norton (smarter than you and happy to prove it); Chris O'Donnell (formerly with Drew Barrymore and Sandra Bullock, although not unacquainted with other men's members); Pope Paul VI (wasn't just a Pope; was also a Queen); Freddie Prinze, Jr. (reportedly has a little boy complex which includes playing with toys and wearing a diaper in his off time); Keanu Reeves (no one home upstairs, but it's a hell of a climb up the staircase...linked with Michael Stipe); Seann William Scott (quite the little minx in high school...linked with the Rock and Justin Timberlake); Justin Timberlake (a bottom, and a screamer); Rob Zombie (a very nice man) ..... And that's just a sample! (They're like potato chips...)

For those of us clinging to this still quivering reality paradigm, the news from the Land of Love is not so good this holiday season. Brad and Jennifer! I don't think I've been so verklempt since Nicole and Tom realized that .... it was not meant to be. There's been speculation over at Defamer for some time that Pitt was simply not Anniston's type, but then I read at The Swift Report that Anniston was jealous of the feelings Pitt was having for John Kerry. I don't know, but I still think the simplest, most believable expanation was the dried bat powder. According to the New York Daily News (citing the estimable National Enquirer) Angelina Jolie gave Pitt a vial of the gray powder to ward off accidents, and possibly to celebrate the end to their brief foray together in oestrus. "We're just friends!" shrieked the bloodsucking vampire and Oscar winner. Also, over at CNN, they broke into their coverage of wars, famines and natural disasters to report that Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth were no more. Not sure who this Bosworth chick is, but isn't Bloom a ..... Scientologist?

Of course, for some people, romance still lives. According to the New York Times someone calling herself Heather Ross has developed a line of women's underwear bearing cartoon images of her past boyfriends which, when scratched...Says La. Ross, "We've all been with someone who is handy...It's not until they're out of our lives that we realize how nice it is to have someone who fixes everything." Available from Munki Munki. (No word whether they're available in Freddie Prinze Jr. baby sick scent...) And while checking to see if they have your size, listen to Aicha — I Love You! You will be moved. (Also, a great Valentine's headline over at The Daily Probe: "Arthur Miller Looking Forward to Nailing Marilyn Again.")

We here in East Tennessee have had a spate of romantically-tinged pedophilia in the last few months, no doubt the result of a shortage of government vaccine. Would that we had a Henry Darger to capture the pomp and splendor!

Athens resident (and karate instuctor) Gregory Alec Phillips was arrested last week for traveling to Thailand for the purpose of engaging in sex with a minor boy. A Blount County contractor was arrested in November on the same charge. Back in July a teacher in Seymour was charged with performing oral sex on a 16-year-old student, and in McMinnville a 27-year-old phys ed teacher has just been charged with multiple counts of sexual battery and statutory rape involving a 13-year-old student, and could face up to 100 years in prison. The McMinnville teacher, Pamela Rogers Turner, was named "Ms. Monday Nitro" during broadcasts by World Championship Wrestling from spring break in Florida in 1997, according to The Owner's Manual. Turner had been married to the basketball coach, who filed for divorce in January, alleging inappropriate marital conduct.

The Owner's Manual also noted that Jim Hastelberry has recently published a how-to manual, Nailing Miss Crabtree: How to Become a REAL Teacher's Pet. Hastleberry lists 10 tips for the aspiring scholar:
     1. Choose a hot-to-trot target
     2. Sit in the front row
      3. Make eye contact
      4. Act up frequently in class
      5. Take a dive on a test
      6. Bring her a gift
      7. Ask about her home life
      8. Hit her up for a "cultural" date
      9. Offer to pay -- even if it's only for an ice-cream cone
    10. Go for it
Hastleberry's book does not appear to be available yet through Amazon, but the story is corroborated by The Weekly World News.

Teenagers are also having sex with each other! According to Reuters, researchers from Ohio State University have drawn a "map" illustrating teen sex behavior. They found a chain of 288 one-to-one sexual relationships at a high school in the U.S. Midwest, meaning the teenager at the end of the chain may have had direct sexual contact with only one person, but indirect contact with 286 others. Researchers have also discovered that monkeys will pay to see female monkey bottoms. The study was sponsored by the National Institute of Mental Health and the Cure Autism Now Foundation. Said one of the researchers, Michael Platt from Duke University Medical Center: ""One of the main problems in people with autism is that they don't find it very motivating to look at other individuals. And even when they do, they can't seem to assess information about that individual's importance, intentions or expressions." If we can only get autistic children to pay to see female monkey bottoms, well, I think we're talking Nobel Prize here. And this just in! Researchers have discovered that when surveyed men will often exaggerate the size of their penises.

Okay, so we missed observing Masturbate for Peace's Super Sunday Masturbation Party, Touchdown There For Peace, but the entire month of February is Anal Sex Month (brought to you by Bung Balm). Lieberman and Bush are already celebrating: it's the dawn of a new bi-partisanship. (And check out this wardrobe malfunction from the Dallas Cowboys locker room — I swear it's as big as Janet Jackson's nipple!)

Speaking of hardcore anal sex, those of you who regularly read Go Fujimoto’s Weblog are already well-acquainted with the whole anime meets Al Parker phenomenon. For that small number who've not, I would refer you to Fujimoto's Japanimation Bears. Also check out Aki's website Painted From Memory and the comics of Seizoh Ebisubashi.

Not sure this counts as sex, but Reuters is also reporting that a Welsh rugby fan cut off his own testicles to celebrate Wales beating England. (What would he have done if they had lost?)

Finally, it would hardly be a sex roundup if we didn't talk about the animals. The animals are our future, and, uh, oh, nevermind. In San Francisco, zookeepers are trying to pop an introverted silverback male gorilla's cherry, and in Germany zookeepers are trying to deprogram gay penguins. Gaetano di Rosa is the ur-url for Big Gay Animals — Wendell and Cass the penguins, Lenny the Great Whte Shark, and assorted deer, donkeys, lions, moose, dogs, leopards, and squirrels. There is even evidence that the Gay Agenda is spreading now to the Plant Kingdom as well. All Our Base Belong To Us — Bitch!

Thanks to websites like this and this, I am also able to better track our Furry and Plushie brethern (LGBTFP?). No, I don't claim to understand their lifestyles, but they leave me perplexed, which is several steps ahead of the whole S-M scene, which gives me the giggles. Here, in silence:




That last image is from Plushie Schwartz Does Fire Island, a video freely available on the Internet as a public service. Plushie is fairly well-endowed, IMO, for a man who has sex dressed in a teddy bear costume. (Didn't scope out the octopus though.) There's also a Plushie Schwartz Christmas shoot.

That's it for Valentine's Day 2005. I once read on the wall of the 103rd and Broadway subway station, "Sex isn't a sin if you're sorry." Truer words were never spoken. This year for Lent, absolutely no sexual contact with synthetics! At least not until Easter.